Post Christmas

Things went alright a few small barks and bites but no major injuries. Yesterday I got to meet my friends first grandchild who I had made some knits, she is lovely. I've finished a new cardigan for her. It's from a Debbie Bliss pattern and in her wool which is nice but too expensive really. I had some lovely rose buttons to put on it.
I want to do some gardening, bought a nice David Austen rose. The problem with roses around here is the humidity which means we have a lot of black spot but this rose has none on it so I've got hopes for it.

Christmas and grief

I woke this morning thinking of my mother in her green sleeveless dress with her birch basket on her arm and the presents or food in it arriving for Christmas Day and my sister in tow if she was home. My sister is overseas this year and my mother has been dead for 4 years. One of the girls is at work the other two are doing Christmas with their partners family so we are having christmas on boxing day again. So it is just us for the day. We were going to go to the beach for a swim but its a bit grey not cold but not very inviting. I have got better from the worst of grief, life drags you back into it kicking and screaming because you want to stay with the dead, but they are gone and free.
Now it's rainy which is good because its been so dry and I won't have water the garden I am cooking a duck, I've read so many recipes I'm confused so I will just go back to my old way honey and soy sauce marinade but I'll put some 5 spice in.

Nearly Christmas

We have booked a cruise to New Zealand after Christmas. We haven't done much travelling since we had children, no money, so we are happy to go any where. We have never been to NZ or on a cruise so we will see how we like boats. I'm sure we will like NZ through Australians find the NZ accent funny. I think Aussies and Kiwis are like family a pain in the bum but you love them. I am doing Christmas very haphazardly bits here and there as things come up and sock knitting for presents. Which I might finish in time or not, so promised presents.
I haven't been much into celebrating Christmas since my mother died so the girls have been going out and organising the tree but this year they are busy with starting their careers so I carted the thing home.
I have to say it through I get very sad at Christmas my dad died a week before Christmas 20 years ago and now with my mother gone too.

4th last working day

I'm having three weeks holiday and then 6 months long service leave and I have 3 more days to work before it. It's my trial retirement I might go back or not, we will see how we manage financially. I am getting really angry and fed up at work. All the mad stuff people do is driving me crazy. Time to have a break. I will miss the mothers and babies I guess but its good thinking I could go back or not.
It is so hot today it's midnight and still 29 degrees, it was 43 in parts of the state. There are big mobs of Christmas beetles flying into the house. I can smell the bush behind the scents of the garden.

Nice game

Of golf was very hot and humid. I played alright for the first nine holes but didn't play well the rest. We were nearly last off so played through the hottest part of the day. I am not too good in the heat. I played with two of my favourite ladies.
Someone asked me if I had put my name down for the Christmas dinner as someone had put me down, she said the names of the people on the table but I had never played or talked to them so I said I wasn't coming. I don't feel bad about it now. Last year I just put my name down randomly but it was a bit awkward, as usual I didn't get it till later.
I am watching Ken Burns show about the Civil War, it is just sadness and waste but I love listening to Shelby Foote tell the stories, he is gone now but he struck me as a sweet man.

Left out

No one asked me to join their table at the golf Christmas dinner so I have to ask to go on the rejects table or not go so I think I won't go. It's how I deal with the left out stuff. My daughter doesn't want us at her place for Christmas and my husbands family has never asked us and if I mention that I'm the bad one. I wish I would just disappear. I hate Christmas its full of grief and reminders that I don't fit and embarrass people.
It doesn't seem to matter how badly others behave its my fault. Now it's starting to rain. I feel sorry for myself but its always been the same, and I suppose lots of people feel like that and are treated like that. I always feel more at home with outsiders really. It's like the insiders have a secret only they know. Once I got asked to a stupid charity race thing because I was standing next to the person really being asked so I stupidly said yes and turned up sat down next to my friend to be told I was sitting at another table with strangers.
The other thing I get is the via friendship, they really want to be friends with your friend so you get used to that end, when they achieve that you get cut out.
There is a house down the road with a 2 metre brick fence around it I wish I lived there at least metaphorically.
Anyway I'm used to it really I don't feel comfortable with any attention.

Lovely day

We are going up to daughters as she is off sick from work. I'm going to take some plants from the garden up to her, things they don't have to look after, bromeliads and orchards etc the tough stuff. I'm reading The Casual Vacancy J D Rowling's first adult book, through I think the Harry Potter books were adult books as well as for children. I like it a lot to my surprise. She is a very good writer but its not just that, I think the author always lurks in the work and you feel her sense of humour and her kindness towards her characters and it makes you interested in them.
The garden is in flower I'll take some pictures.