Christmas and grief

I woke this morning thinking of my mother in her green sleeveless dress with her birch basket on her arm and the presents or food in it arriving for Christmas Day and my sister in tow if she was home. My sister is overseas this year and my mother has been dead for 4 years. One of the girls is at work the other two are doing Christmas with their partners family so we are having christmas on boxing day again. So it is just us for the day. We were going to go to the beach for a swim but its a bit grey not cold but not very inviting. I have got better from the worst of grief, life drags you back into it kicking and screaming because you want to stay with the dead, but they are gone and free.
Now it's rainy which is good because its been so dry and I won't have water the garden I am cooking a duck, I've read so many recipes I'm confused so I will just go back to my old way honey and soy sauce marinade but I'll put some 5 spice in.